Adrienne Droogas

Adrienne #57

    At four o’clock in the morning your mind becomes soggy mush.  I’m sure that most people reading this can relate to that feeling.  It’s almost as if your tongue becomes thicker in your dry mouth and your eyes burn in their sockets as if someone has been blowing cigarette smoke directly into them for an hour straight.  You remind focuses and unfocuses on ideas like some bad home movie being filmed by your drunk uncle.  Your body wildly craves to just curl into a small ball and drop blissfully off into sleep.  I could almost feel my muscles twitching as I fought off the urge to hunker down into the fetal position on Dave’s couch and collapse into an exhaustive state of dreamless, deep sleep.  Although bliss was one blink away, I struggled to remain awake because my mind had zeroed in on an idea that I really wanted to share and express with Moe and Amy.  I sat up straighter on the couch and shook my head to try to clear out the sleep that threatened to consume me.  I cleared my dry throat, licked my parched lips with my even drier tongue and blinked my eyes a few times to rid myself of the discomfort they were giving me.  I began to try to explain the idea I was feeling so impassioned about at that moment and since it was four o’clock in the morning, I failed miserably.  I was so close to a dream-like state that Moe and Amy would have been better off using Carl Jung’s book Interpretation of Dreams in an effort to understand me.  And now, a month has passed since that surreal night and I’m wide awake at my friend Kelly’s coffee shop sipping tea by candlelight and ready to rip the words out from within and spill them out onto these pages.  So here we go:
    Women hold a position of power.  Women have a grave and an ability with communication and emotion that is moving and forceful, animalistic and instinctual.  Women know the surest and quickest paths to the heart, have an intimate knowledge of the art of listening, and can sense an underlying emotion like an animal can smell a scent carried on the wind.  Since women have been denied access to “worldly” powers such as economic equality, positions in politics, or any form of leadership in our society in general, we have had to turn our skills and abilities inward.  To look inside our heads and hearts, the only place where we have always had our freedom, and created an almost innate power and knowledge of our emotions and feelings.  We have learned the joy of crying and the freedom of openly expressing pain and hurt.  We have created words of love and allowed them to pour out of us unhindered and free.  Women have felt their emotions, felt their lives, as fully and as vibrantly as is possible.  We have reveled in our emotions.  Wallowed in our feelings.  Paraded our hearts on our sleeves with pride because women have always been passionately feeling, uniquely raw and open.  This is a power.  It is a force that lives within me and within almost every women I have known or met.  And yet in our male saturated society, the things we are all taught to covet are power and wealth.  Money and position.  Fame and Fortune.  Since men dominate this society, they have decreed that those are the things in life that we all must want.  But you know what?  I don’t want that.  In fact, I want something entirely different.  I want to cry openly and loudly and with deep, racking sobs.  To laugh wildly and dance around my house as if I were out of control.  To share deep secrets and be willing to be vulnerable.  To risk being embarrassed.  To dare to say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong person as long as it means my words are being said.  Are being heard.  Expression is the power.  Emotional freedom is the wealth I pursue.  I seek a fortune from the friendships and connections I make with the people in my life.  I may never live to see at time n this society where women are equal on all playing fields, but I know I will have lived a life far richer than any guy on wall street with a few million in the bank account cuz I will have a felt my life as deeply as is humanly possible.  Not just owned a yacht or a mansion or an armani suit.  And even thought it’s not anywhere close to four in the morning, it’s time for me to wind my way home and curl up and fall asleep.